Official Letter Terminating Texas Statehood

Now with forty-nine stars, Old Glory has never looked better.

Dear Texas:

We are happier than a pig in shit sorry to inform you that your statehood in the United States of America has been terminated, effective immediately. This decision has been made by the nation for reasons including, but not limited to the following (listed in chronological order):

• Slavery

Because you insisted on keeping slaves at the time, from 1861 to 1865 you were subjected to a severe disciplinary action known as the Civil War. Since this was your first offense, we readmitted you to the Union after your capitulation on this matter.

• The Nueces Massacre

In August 1862, a Confederate cavalry unit from Texas hunted down a group of several dozen German-Texans with Union sympathies who were in the process of fleeing to Mexico. Your Confederates overtook the group and gunned down thirty-four people, and executed several others after they were captured.

• The Texas Constitution

In 1876, you ratified a constitution that contained specific provisions for the racial segregation of schools and the enactment of a poll tax. Later, you held “white primaries,” specifically prohibiting nonwhites from voting in elections.

• Lynchings

In 1922, the New York Times observed, “Texas Leads in Lynchings” in an article noting that twelve of the country’s thirty lynchings so far that year had occurred in Texas. These violations merely continued your long, rich tradition of vigilantism in the face of evils such as, whistling at white women, looking at white women, using white restrooms, and just plain being black.

• The (legal) death penalty

While the rest of the civilized world has shunned capital punishment, not only do you maintain the death penalty, you embrace it with an unbridled enthusiasm that would impress the Chinese government. In the United States, you are by far the company leader in executions, at least one of which was of a mentally retarded man, and at least one other of which was of a (most likely) innocent man.

• Religious indoctrination in your public schools

Your theocratic tendencies are unbecoming of a state bound (although no longer) to respect the separation of church of state mandated by the U.S. Constitution. In 2007 you passed a law mandating that the Bible be taught in all public schools beginning this year.

• George W. Bush

While you are not alone among states in being a former slave state, a state historically fond of lynchings (including a 1998—nineteen ninety friggin’ eight—dragging death of a forty-nine year-old black man), a state with capital punishment, and a state that has attempted to promote religion in public schools, you alone are responsible for the ascendancy of George Walker Bush to the office of President of the United States. Although he was born in Connecticut, he is undoubtedly a product of the Lone Star State, and was elected to the governorship of Texas—a post which positioned him to make a serious run for the White House. It is not necessary to review the sorry record of this Roscoe P. Coltrane of presidents, because the effects of his disastrous presidency are already well-known by all parties concerned, and will be felt for decades to come.

Incredibly, even in light of these gross infractions, you have recently proclaimed that you—Texas—have somehow become too good for the United States of America. Your workplace rhetoric about wanting to secede from the Union is not only counterproductive, but truly outrageous when you consider that we have tolerated your shenanigans for 150 years. The idea that we—the United States—have committed a transgression against the “integrity” of your statehood is not only absurd, but insulting. It has become clear to us that you are no longer interested in being a productive member of the Union.

For these reasons and so many others, we, the United States of America, do hereby terminate your statehood.

Respectfully,

The Forty-Nine United States of America.

- Max

Texas Secession? Yeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaw!

Remember back in 2003 when the Iraq war started and Faux News was decrying antiwar protestors as “un-American” and “treasonous” for exercising their first amendment rights? Well, this same network has been conspicuously silent in the face of a fledgling Texas secession movement, first given lip service in April by its scumsucking governor, Rick Perry. By now, Perry has undoubtedly realized that he made a grave mistake by dropping the “S” word because on Monday a couple hundred crazies turned out at the statehouse in Austin to demand that Texas secede while proclaiming outright their hatred of the United States. What, I ask you, could be more “un-American” than seceding from America?

Indeed, at the top of the list of the most treasonous things you could possibly do, secession is right up there with spying for the enemy during wartime. And yet, we’ve heard nothing from Faux News about the un-American and treasonous protests in Austin, or the 51% of Texas Republicans who are in favor of seceding from the Union. Not surprisingly, Glenn Batshit Beck is giving the secessionists the thumbs up because to hear him tell it, America is becoming a socialist totalitarian police state, complete with government-mandated eugenics and euthanasia, and whatever other fantasies he can come up with while off his meds.

I don’t really care about the double standard here; I just wanted to highlight the case as yet another exemplar of the “fair and balanced” news coverage over at Faux News. The reason I don’t care is because I want Texas to secede. Can you think of a better way to start improving the country immediately than by getting rid of a backward, obstructionist hellhole such as Texas? Rather than fight to keep Texas and the South, Lincoln should’ve said good luck and god bless.

Okay, okay, so Lincoln shouldn’t have done that. Slavery was an evil worth routing out, even though it meant that those of us in the land of literacy and dental hygiene would suffer the consequences. Incredibly, Texas and the rest of the South are still bitter about Appomattox and the freeing of the slaves, as evidenced by the ubiquitous Stars and Bars that pepper the territories of the NASCAR Republic.

Had Lincoln left the South to its own dubious devices, it would be interesting to see just how long it would’ve taken the Confederates to abolish slavery, if at all. In fact, I think a few million dollars ought to be put aside for a research project to this end: Had the Confederacy prevailed, at what point (if any) would it have outlawed the practice of slavery? We could get the nation’s finest historians, sociologists, and political scientists from all parts of the country together to come up with an approximate answer to this hypothetical, but nonetheless important question. I think if people knew that the Confederacy would have freed the slaves in 1987, it might kind of damage the South’s credibility a bit in Congress, you know?

If Texas wants to be its own country again, then by all means we should let them. The secessionists probably think the rest of us are horrified at the prospect of a Texas-less America. Texas wants to secede! Oh no!

Pshaw. Those divorce papers couldn’t be signed fast enough.

Actually, forget the divorce papers. We can save ourselves a whole lot of time just by handing Texas a letter of termination—a letter I’m going to draft myself.

Be sure to check back on Wednesday when I plan on having a pink slip ready for what we can only hope will be the Lone Star State.

- Max