Minnesota Vikings Change Uniform Pants To Wranglers

Brett Favre will now lead the Vikings by the seat of his Wrangler jeans.

Filed by Max Canning

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—In a move that Minnesota Vikings principal owner Zygi Wilf said is necessary to ensure the comfort and efficiency of quarterback Brett Favre, the team will wear Wrangler loose-fitting jeans as part of their game day uniform for the remainder of the 2010 season.

“I’m comfortable in jeans that are tough,” Favre said at a press conference Wednesday after the team practiced with the jeans for the first time. “I’m comfortable in jeans that last. I’m comfortable in Wrangler. They are real. Comfortable. Jeans. And I like to be comfortable when I’m on the football field.”

When asked about the unusual midseason uniform change, head coach Brad Childress explained, “It’s no secret that Brett’s been struggling a bit. Seven interceptions in four games isn’t like him at all. So we just need Brett to go out and do what he does best—chuck it up there and have some fun. We think moving to Wranglers is the best way to accomplish that.”

Asked why all Vikings players would have to wear Wranglers in addition to Favre, Childress responded, “We wouldn’t want Brett to feel self-conscious. Besides, what manly football player wouldn’t want to wear 14-ounce heavyweight denim jeans, built comfortable with a stonewashed finish and relaxed fit? I can’t guarantee you we’ll win the Super Bowl, but I can tell you that we’re going to be the most rugged-looking all-American football team you’ve ever seen.”

Robert Gilroy, a Vice President at Wrangler International, said his company is excited about the move. “We are absolutely thrilled to have the opportunity to provide Brett Favre and all the Minnesota Vikings players with quality, durable jeans that are ready for the rigors of four quarters of professional football,” Gilroy said in a company press release. “We also look forward to getting our Wranglers officially licensed by the NFL as soon as possible so they can be available to fans at pro shops everywhere.”

The uniform modification was approved by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell late Wednesday afternoon. Reached by telephone, Goodell stated, “Whatever is good for Brett Favre is good for the NFL.” When asked about the progress of the NFL’s investigation of lewd text messages Favre allegedly sent to former New York Jets employee Jenn Sterger when he quarterbacked the Jets in 2008, Goodell replied, “Jenn who?”

Although most of Favre’s teammates support the switch, not all players are welcoming the change. Newly reacquired wide receiver Randy Moss was visibly agitated as he walked off the field after Wednesday’s practice, and at one point removed and tossed his newly issued Wranglers into a nearby trash can. “How am I supposed to run streaks and beat my coverage with these pants flappin’ all over the place? I’m wearing the old pants on Sunday. They can fine me the ten grand for all I care. Ain’t nothin’ but ten grand. What’s ten grand to me?”

As of press time, Favre and Moss were reportedly engaged in a heated locker room exchange.

Tony Dungy Is Holier Than Thou

You are looking at one of the most overrated coaches in the history of the National Football League.

Just when you thought ESPN couldn’t suck any more than it already does, today they run a front page story about retired NFL coach Tony Dungy and how he’s Holier Than Thou.

That’s right. ESPN and the unbelievably overrated Tony Dungy are back it, telling us once again what a swell guy he is, how he’s a “moral compass,” a “mentor,” and a “great—and selfless—counselor.” The article is titled, “Higher Calling,” an allusion to the fact that Tony Dungy is a great Christian, which naturally means he opposes gay rights. But no matter. Tony Dungy is better than you because he helps guide misguided black NFL players who have gone astray of the law and morality.

The subtitle of this fawning piece states, “Respect and moral authority have made Tony Dungy a powerful sports figure. But do those seeking his help come for image laundering, or true redemption?”

Notice that the subtitle calls into question the motives of “those seeking his help,” but not the motives of Dungy himself. Those are simply assumed to be virtuous. Dungy has cloaked himself and his lucrative best-selling book in the shroud of his Christian faith. Notice also that it is automatically assumed that it is others who seek out Dungy, not the other way around, even though this is how he came to mentor convicted dogfighter Michael Vick:

“Dungy reached out to [Vick’s lawyer Bill] Martin to discuss ways Dungy might be able to assist Vick. Dungy met with Martin, and the two men flew to Kansas to visit Vick [in prison].”

Notice also that the subtitle implies that Dungy is in some type of position to provide redemption, at least indirectly. Listen to the savior ruminate about how he might have been able to stop Vick from continuing his dogfighting ring if he only had known about it five years ago:

“It was preseason. We were in Japan for a game against the Falcons, and we went around to different events to promote the game, Jim Mora, Peyton [Manning], Mike Vick, myself,” Dungy says. “I got to know him a little bit. We talked about some things. Warrick Dunn told him I liked to fish. We agreed when we got back home we would get together and go fishing. It never happened.”

“When the dogfighting stuff came out, I never stopped thinking about that. If we had eight hours on the boat, maybe I would've found out about it. Maybe everything would have turned out differently. Maybe it all would've been different.”

Translation: Because I’m such a great moral authority, and yes, Holier Than Thou, if I had known about the dogfighting thing, I probably could’ve stopped it. I could’ve saved him.

Given that Dungy has embraced this “mentor” role after his 18 year old son James committed suicide in December of 2005, we are basically forced to draw a connection between the suicide and the mentoring. After all, we’ve seen the grieving parents of dead kids compensate for their guilt by becoming mentors and spokespersons before. It’s virtually standard operating procedure.

Two months before he died, James Dungy took an overdose of painkillers and told police that he was “depressed.” Why was he depressed? Did he have a drug problem? Did he have a genetic predisposition to depression? Was he gay in what was presumably an unabashedly Christian and anti-gay household? Something else? We may never know the answer because his father has remained quiet on the subject, which is strange. Generally when a grieving parent sets out to try to alleviate the guilt that comes with “not being there” for his child, the tendency is to champion against whatever it was that did the child in. Alcohol, drugs, depression, texting while driving, etc. But not so with Tony Dungy. Why? Is he ashamed of something?

Clearly, I know very little about this sad situation. But having said that, why does everybody including ESPN keep putting Dungy up on a pedestal as a great mentor? Isn’t it possible that Dungy actually failed the most important mentoring job he’ll ever have? As an NFL coach, he was often on the road and worked long hours even when he was home. Again, this is speculation, but the question remains: what justification does ESPN have for heaping endless amounts of mindless praise on this man? When will it stop?

- Max