Seven People Who Should've Existed

My co-conspirator in the plot to commit the following nonsense.

I offer no explanation for the following summaries of a few lesser-known historical figures, other than to say that I was inspired to write them by my good friend, Johnnie Walker (Black). You may find it funny. You may find it stupid. You may not get it at all. That’s ok, because I don’t give a shit. It’s 2am and this site hasn’t been updated in several days. So this is what you get.

Steve Hitler

The Fuhrer’s lesser known brother—sometimes known as just S. Hitler, or Shitler—Steve ordered the executions of over 250,000 Ruritanians between 1942 and 1945. The slaughter stopped when Shitler was overthrown in a coup during which he was beaten to death with an autumn squash.

Pope Jerry VII

Jerry’s papacy lasted only four days. Like Shitler, he was also overthrown—in this case by a mob of Vatican cardinals who found out that Jerry was going to lift the Catholic Church’s ban on the use of condoms in order to combat the AIDS epidemic in Africa. However, unlike Shitler, he was bludgeoned by the Latin Vulgate Bible.

Hank Hussein

Best known as the bumbling and lovable cousin of Saddam, Hammerin’ Hank Hussein ran Iraq’s largest driving range and putt-putt golf course. Due to a series of poor financial decisions in which Hank ended up investing his entire savings into the then-upstart Iraqi Sand-Making Company, Hank was forced to sell his range and move back to Tikrit in shame.

Howie Christ

Howie Christ was a first century Judean hobo/carpenter who was killed at the of age eighteen by a fellow teenager named Erik Tomberlin, who was wanted in Bethlehem for fraud and sodomy. Tomberlin subsequently assumed Christ’s identity, but substituted ‘Jesus’ for ‘Howie’ because he thought the name was ridiculous. “Jesus” went on to grow a filthy beard to help conceal his true identity and was often malnourished because he ate things that probably weren’t fit for human consumption. As a result, he had many visions, which he shared with some illiterate people who took him way too seriously. The rest is history.

Pete Da Vinci

Pete Da Vinci painted “The First Supper,” in which Jesus Christ, a.k.a. Erik Tomberlin is seen having a very awkward initial gathering of illiterate minds at a Nazarene Denny’s some time around the year 25 C.E. This is all that is known of Pete.

Ayatollah Jones

In 1989, Ayatollah Jones became the first and heretofore only white mullah in the history of Iran or any other place that has mullahs. Butch Jones was born in Davenport, Iowa and won the infamously ill-conceived Islamic Republic of Iran’s “Worldwide Interim Ayatollah Lottery,” in which the Majlis painstakingly wrote the names of every known person on Earth on tiny pieces of paper and randomly drew a winner from a giant empty oil drum. Jones was selected to succeed Khomeini until a new Ayatollah could be selected. After this, Jones returned to Davenport and has led an extremely uninspiring life since then.

Alexander the Subpar

In the fifth century C.E., Alexander conquered the tiny island of Malta from the Carthaginians who no longer gave a shit about the territory. Alexander the Subpar was able to wrest control of Malta from a battalion of autistic Sicilians who were always reading their Vulgate Bibles. Only after great difficulty because of the stiff resistance of the Sicilians—whose preferred method of defense was holding their Bibles in front of them in the face of an oncoming attack—did Alexander and his army of alcoholics overtake the autistic Sicilians.

I hope you enjoyed this brief history lesson. Remember that no matter how ludicrous this stuff may seem, the information I have provided here is way more accurate than that shit they peddle on Fox News.

- Max