I Really Hate "God Bless America"

Yuck.

One of the bad things about the September 11^th attacks, other than the mass death, destruction, the resulting wars, and the low interest rates that spawned the housing market collapse and subsequent decimation of the banking sector and economy in general, is how the attacks have affected Major League Baseball.

I’m a baseball guy, and even though my Red Sox have been conspicuously absent from this year’s playoffs, I’ve watched most of the postseason games. There are a lot things that piss me off about the playoffs this year: the insufferable broadcasting duo of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver; the insufferable broadcasting trio of Ernie Johnson, Ron Darling, and John Smoltz; and of course, the marathon length of these games. With the season on the line, managers understandably pull out all the stops and play the percentages. It isn’t uncommon in the postseason to have three or four different pitchers see action in a single inning. And all those pitching changes add up. And I swear the breaks in between innings are longer in the playoffs than in the regular season.

So what’s MLB’s solution to these long-ass games, all of which start at 8pm or later on the east coast and don’t end until midnight or later? They play God Bless America during the seventh inning of every fucking postseason game. Awesome. Way to add game time by injecting a completely irrelevant relgio-nationalistic anthem into the middle of the fucking ballgame.

During the regular season, MLB teams typically play God Bless America only on Sundays. And that’s strange, since people are asking god to bless America on his day off, which seems rather presumptuous. At Yankee Stadium, the hymn is performed during every game. During some of these renditions, fans have been literally prevented from moving around freely by stadium security, which is some seriously fascistic shit. But this postseason, some person or persons, somewhere, decided it would be best if this terrible song were sung during the seventh inning of every playoff game. And don’t forget, the national anthem is already sung before the game. Isn’t that enough for all you armchair patriots, you jingoistic fucks?

The last time I was at Fenway Park on a Sunday and they asked the crowd to rise for God Bless America, I remained seated for the whole song. Fuck ‘em. But I had no problem standing up immediately afterwards for the seventh inning stretch and “Take me out to the ballgame,” which is a song that predates God Bless America by the way. I imagine that many people around me thought I was being an asshole by not standing. No one said anything of course, because they were undoubtedly too chickenshit. This country is full people who think that being a great American means pledging allegiance to the flag, wearing an Old Glory pin on your lapel, supporting the latest war in a vast sandbox that just happens to sit atop a giant pool of oil, and generally thinking that your country is better than every other. And when you’re attending some apolitical event, like a baseball game, which is supposed to be a brief escape from the harsh realities of politics and life in general, and you’re told to stand and ask god to bless America, well you do that too. Why? Out of respect. Whatever the fuck that means. It’s like during the Iraq war when people slapped a yellow ribbon magnet on the back of their SUVs that read “Support the Troops.” (Apparently the irony was lost on most people.) And that was good enough. Sure maybe you voted for politicians whose idea it was to start the war in the first place, and sure maybe you voted for politicians who wanted to slash the benefits of the soldiers who made it out alive, but I mean, Jesus, you had the fucking sticker on the back of your car! What more could you have done?

I think I’m in the minority on this one. Most Americans believe in god, and sports fans are typically conservative, which is no surprise when you consider all the macho posturing that goes on in sports. I wrote an email to the Red Sox a couple of months ago asking if they planned on doing away with God Bless America at some point, and I haven’t received a response. The answer, sadly, is probably never, because the ownership of the Red Sox, just like every other in MLB, doesn’t have the balls to acknowledge the sheer pointlessness of the song and pull the fucking plug on it.

- Max

The Federal Reserve's War On Savers

Got any American dollars? Well you better spend them fast before they ain’t worth a Continental.

With a policy that has spanned the last two presidential administrations, the Federal Reserve has waged an all-out assault on the U.S. Dollar, and by proxy, the American people. It was about two years ago when the Federal Open Market Committee implemented its policy of keeping interest rates at or near zero percent for an “extended period,” in what has become a kind of running joke.

But the American people aren’t laughing, mainly because the joke is on them. They refused to go along with Bernanke’s monetary masochism, which he hoped would spur consumer spending and create demand for credit. Those visions have proven to be pure fantasies. Consumer spending for August was the lowest since March, and is still below August 2009 levels, which were below fall 2008 levels when Wall Street was falling apart. Furthermore, banks are reluctant to lend in these uncertain economic times, especially in a country where subprime lending served as a catalyst for the destruction of the banking sector so recently. Not surprisingly, the official unemployment remains high, hovering around 10%.

So the Fed has done everything in its power to discourage Americans from saving their money: rock bottom interest rates, quantitative easing, the attempted competitive devaluation of the dollar on the foreign exchange market, e.g. by trying to pressure China into allowing the yuan to appreciate. (The recent accusations from some American officials that China is manipulating its currency are hilariously hypocritical.) However, only until recently has the global economy cooperated with the Bernanke’s ambitions. Previously, sovereign debt crises in Europe, China’s rigid yuan policy, and the ongoing sputtering of the Japanese economy, helped foil the Fed’s best laid plans to depreciate the dollar vis-à-vis the world’s major economies and inflate the home economy upward by boosting exports and domestic consumption.

Now, after two long years of inflicting serious pain on American savers, the Fed is finally beginning to see some of the rotten fruits of its mischievous labor. The vigilantes are out in full force—gold vigilantes, bond vigilantes, and even Euro vigilantes. (Remember all that talk about EUR/USD parity a few months ago?) The Fed’s warning to the world is clear: You do not want to be holding our paper.

Indeed, the looming second round of quantitative easing measures (QE2, i.e., asset purchases, i.e., more money printing) has already prompted many economists to downgrade their growth outlooks for the U.S. economy in 2011. I suspect that the forthcoming QE2 is the primary reason for the stock market’s torrid run of late. Low bond yields and low rates on savings, combined with an inevitable inflationary trend courtesy of the Fed is having the surely anticipated effect of artificially greasing equity markets as investors seek higher returns. Expectedly, gold has risen to record levels, $1,381 an ounce as of this writing. And although a short-term correction is surely in the cards soon, the long-term trend for bullion remains up, up, up. Ditto for silver; perhaps more so.

Will Americans get the Fed’s “message” finally and begin to part with the money they have? Given that America’s total household debt is an astounding 123% percent of annual after-tax income, it seems unlikely that many Americans will take on additional debt burdens. Then again, never underestimate the American’s capacity to spend beyond his means. Whatever happens, this debt-ridden mess we call the U.S. economy is a completely unsustainable model for economic development. It is not going to end well.

- Max

Minnesota Vikings Change Uniform Pants To Wranglers

Brett Favre will now lead the Vikings by the seat of his Wrangler jeans.

Filed by Max Canning

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—In a move that Minnesota Vikings principal owner Zygi Wilf said is necessary to ensure the comfort and efficiency of quarterback Brett Favre, the team will wear Wrangler loose-fitting jeans as part of their game day uniform for the remainder of the 2010 season.

“I’m comfortable in jeans that are tough,” Favre said at a press conference Wednesday after the team practiced with the jeans for the first time. “I’m comfortable in jeans that last. I’m comfortable in Wrangler. They are real. Comfortable. Jeans. And I like to be comfortable when I’m on the football field.”

When asked about the unusual midseason uniform change, head coach Brad Childress explained, “It’s no secret that Brett’s been struggling a bit. Seven interceptions in four games isn’t like him at all. So we just need Brett to go out and do what he does best—chuck it up there and have some fun. We think moving to Wranglers is the best way to accomplish that.”

Asked why all Vikings players would have to wear Wranglers in addition to Favre, Childress responded, “We wouldn’t want Brett to feel self-conscious. Besides, what manly football player wouldn’t want to wear 14-ounce heavyweight denim jeans, built comfortable with a stonewashed finish and relaxed fit? I can’t guarantee you we’ll win the Super Bowl, but I can tell you that we’re going to be the most rugged-looking all-American football team you’ve ever seen.”

Robert Gilroy, a Vice President at Wrangler International, said his company is excited about the move. “We are absolutely thrilled to have the opportunity to provide Brett Favre and all the Minnesota Vikings players with quality, durable jeans that are ready for the rigors of four quarters of professional football,” Gilroy said in a company press release. “We also look forward to getting our Wranglers officially licensed by the NFL as soon as possible so they can be available to fans at pro shops everywhere.”

The uniform modification was approved by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell late Wednesday afternoon. Reached by telephone, Goodell stated, “Whatever is good for Brett Favre is good for the NFL.” When asked about the progress of the NFL’s investigation of lewd text messages Favre allegedly sent to former New York Jets employee Jenn Sterger when he quarterbacked the Jets in 2008, Goodell replied, “Jenn who?”

Although most of Favre’s teammates support the switch, not all players are welcoming the change. Newly reacquired wide receiver Randy Moss was visibly agitated as he walked off the field after Wednesday’s practice, and at one point removed and tossed his newly issued Wranglers into a nearby trash can. “How am I supposed to run streaks and beat my coverage with these pants flappin’ all over the place? I’m wearing the old pants on Sunday. They can fine me the ten grand for all I care. Ain’t nothin’ but ten grand. What’s ten grand to me?”

As of press time, Favre and Moss were reportedly engaged in a heated locker room exchange.