I'm Trying To Get Excommunicated!

Luther Before the Diet of Worms, by Anton von Werner

Since I long ago denied the existence of God and Christ as his savior, I have not called myself a Catholic for many years. However, I have decided to make my apostasy official by attempting to get excommunicated from the Church. This morning I called the nearest archdiocese and told them I had typed up a letter requesting that I be excommunicated, and they told me to contact my local parish. I did, and the nice lady on the other end of the line told me I should mail the parish the letter, which, my fellow apostates, you may feel free to use as a template for your own excommunication requests. Simply fill in the redacted parts with your information.

So, without further ado, here is the letter I dropped in the mail this morning.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing this letter to express my sincere desire to be excommunicated by the Catholic Church post haste.

In ______ of 19__, I was baptized as a newborn baby at _______________ church in _________, _____________ at an age when I could not have possibly consented to receiving that Sacrament. From the time I was about six years old until I was fifteen, I was subjected to the incessant inculcation of Catholic propaganda in Confraternity of Christian Doctrine. I wholly reject the fundamental tenets of this wicked doctrine, and I have no use for it—or the Church from which it emanates—whatsoever.

The idea that I am somehow eternally indebted to a long-dead Judean peasant for his “sacrifice” is entirely without merit. I say without equivocation that Jesus Christ was by no means divine, either by nature (Athanasianism) or by deed (Arianism). If he existed at all, Christ was at best an eccentric preacher who was under some serious misapprehensions, and at worst a devious huckster of the first order. Vicarious redemption is not only a false doctrine, but an immoral one.

I also deny in wholesale the alleged miracles he performed as described in the Gospels—a series of texts written many, many years after the crucifixion, using hearsay and legend. Even if the Gospels had been written by the real Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, I daresay this would do nothing for the veracity of these texts because these followers of Christ were delusional and illiterate simpletons. Indeed, their breathtaking credulity is responsible for much of the world’s misery over the last 2,000 years. Unfortunately for humanity, the Romans failed to eliminate the Christian menace in Palestine as it was beginning to sprout. If only they had the foresight to keep going until every Christian was neutralized, and every lion satiated, we might be much better off.

Additionally, I regard transubstantiation as a laughable, if not perverted concept. What the Church calls the actual body and blood of Christ, is in fact, an awful-tasting cardboard-esque wafer and watered-down wine, nothing more. To insist that that the wafer and wine are the real body and blood of Christ, is to make cannibals of all who receive Communion. This pagan ritual is clearly borrowed with some modification from ancient Dionysian tradition.

It may also interest you to know that the very first time I received the Eucharist as a small child, I promptly spit it out.

As for the Judeo-Christian god itself, I see no reason to believe in the existence of such a character. And not only do I not believe in him, but I am quite glad that he does not exist. The Old Testament is rife with the atrocious actions of this wretched, jealous, malevolent, genocidal maniac, who appears to have made humans for his own amusement and personal fulfillment, desiring to be worshipped in round-the-clock fashion.

Lastly, there is the Papacy. The Papacy is without question, the largest and most enduring tyranny in the history of civilization. For over 1,000 years, the church had free reign over Europe and made full use of its autocratic powers. It told people how to live and what to think. It imprisoned, tortured, and killed those who dared to hold opinions that went against Church doctrine. During that time it was the single greatest impediment to social, intellectual, and yes, moral progress. I shudder to think where we would be had the Church maintained its dark grip over Europe.

In our time, the Papacy continues to hold and advocate positions which have no business being promulgated in any decent society. I see no reason to think that abortion, homosexuality, or the use of contraceptives is wrong. Indeed, the Church’s position on contraceptives is entirely ludicrous. The idea that sex ought to be engaged in only for the purposes trying to conceive is harmful and outright stupid. Herr Ratzinger and his cohorts know nothing of sex, except for a select number of priests who alleviated years of pent-up sexual tension by preying on little children. Bernard Law could have prevented much of this by reporting Shanley, Geoghan, and the rest of the collared pederasts to the authorities, but instead he chose shuffle these deviants from parish to parish. Rather than enjoying a cushy job in the Vatican, Law should instead be rotting in a Massachusetts prison until death arrives to relieve him of his iniquitous life.

For these reasons and many others, I sincerely request that I be excommunicated forthwith from the Catholic Church. I do not wish for a rebuttal to any of the aforementioned points, nor do I wish to have a meeting about this matter; for my mind has been made up on this score for many years now. I have no use for God, Jesus, the Bible, the Pope, the Sacraments, or any other religious mumbo jumbo. I hope that someday the Church will be so diminished in its power, influence, and resources, that it will be necessary to bulldoze its houses of tyranny across the globe, with the exception of the great cathedrals.

Lest you think that you may ignore this letter and have that be the end of this matter, I am willing to do whatever is necessary to be expelled by this abhorrent organized racket. I am very serious about this, and I believe I have conveyed this sentiment given the tone of my letter. If I do not receive a reply within two weeks of my mailing this, I shall initiate contact again, and every two weeks thereafter until I receive a response. Hopefully, the Church will act on my request before I am forced to get its attention by doing something rash, such as marry a Protestant. If it is necessary for me to write to the ___________ Archdiocese or some other outlet, please inform me so that I may go through the proper channels in order to be officially excommunicated.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Regards,

Max Canning, Apostate