Religious People Are Whiney Crybabies

A believer reacts to someone questioning his faith.

The other night I did two things I never do: listen to a talk radio show, and call in to a talk radio show. The station was WTKK in Boston, and the host was Michele McPhee—a Laura Ingraham wannabe, and a person who may very well have the roundest, most nondescript face in the illustrious history of homo sapiens.

See what I mean?

I was ripping through the radio dial to find some tolerable listening while driving when I came across McPhee bitching and moaning about nationwide billboard advertisements purchased by cheeky atheists. Advertisements such as,

These signs had McPhee’s panties in a bunch, which was annoying enough, but then she proceeded to give a definition of an atheist as, “a nosy, bitter person with too much time on their [sic] hands.” This really pissed me off, because if there’s any group of people that can be described as nosy, bitter, and having too much time on their hands, it’s believers. Believers tell others how they should act, even in the bedroom, which is the epitome of nosiness. Furthermore, I’ve seen numerous, bitter, crotchety old clergy members torment children with tales of Hell, Satan, and eternal damnation. Lastly, it’s believers who go to church, pray, and attend religious functions on their own accord. Talk about too much free time.

Anyway, I called in, and it didn’t take me very long to get on the air, which tells you something about how many people were actually listening to this blowhard. The conversation went something like this:

McPhee: Max, you’re on the air. What do you think of these billboards?

Me: Good evening. Well actually, I’m not really calling about the billboards, but I was wondering if you could repeat your definition of an atheist from ten minutes ago.

McPhee: (Lies) I wasn’t talking about all atheists, just the ones who took out these ads.

After some ranting about nothing, she repeats the definition, “a nosy, bitter person with too much time on their hands.”

Me: I have to say, what you’re describing actually sounds like a believer more than an atheist. One need only consult the sermons of a priest or a pastor to see that they are a very nosy bunch—

McPhee: But you don’t have to go to sermons.

Me: Right, but their words show just how nosy—

At this point I was going to make the point that believers are always trying to regulate other people’s morality and private lives, but this wench was not going to let me complete a thought.

McPhee: Max, Max, do you have something to say about these billboards? I mean, “Yes Virginia, there is no God.”

Me: Ok, would you be saying this critical stuff if these were religious billboards?

Pause

McPhee: (Pulls something out of her ass) Religious billboards aren’t offensive.

Me: Religion by its nature is offensive. It teaches that people that those who believe something else are wrong—

McPhee: Ooook, Max.

Me: What about billboards and church signs that say, “Judgment day is near,” or “Hell awaits unless you repent”? What could be more offensive than that?

McPhee: Do those scare you, Max?

Me: No. I know it’s meaningless. But given that children can read this stuff, I’d say such messages amount to child abuse [psychologically speaking].

McPhee: Alright, Max.

Hangs up on me.

McPhee: Max needs a hug.

Yeah, and Michele McPhee needs nice steaming bowl of the shut the hell up. In order to complete the above sentences, I had to talk over the woman because she literally would not let me finish any of my remarks. And it wasn’t like I was rambling. I don’t listen to talk radio, but I know how these radio jerks work. You have to get your point out in less than ten seconds, but this bitch would not let me speak for more than five seconds uninterrupted, which was more infuriating than her dumbass position on the whole thing, which can be summed up thus:

Waaaa, waaaa. Atheists are buying ad spaces with their own money that challenge what the thousands upon thousands of religious signs across America say. Waaaa.

More and more, I’m realizing that religionists are the biggest bunch of crybabies in the United States today. By their own beliefs, God—the all-powerful deity—is on their side, and yet they feel so incredibly threatened when a group of random people buy billboard space that says, “Heathen’s Greetings.” Are you fucking shitting me? Is your faith that fragile that when some nonbelievers publicly call theism into to question with an advertisement, you think there’s a “war on Christmas” or some such bullshit? I have to believe that, at least subconsciously, many of the “faithful” suspect that their religious beliefs are nothing more than a humongous pile of metaphysical manure. What else would explain this rabid reaction to a few scattered signs? You see, questioning someone’s faith can be like calling a self-proclaimed heterosexual male, gay. If a man’s comfortable in his sexuality, if he’s banged tons of women, then calling him gay is just going to roll right off his back. He’ll probably even laugh. But call a sexually insecure guy a “homo,” and chances are you’ll get a much more impassioned reaction and fervent denial. In which case we must ask ourselves, “What’s really going on here?”

Chinks in the armor of religion. That’s what’s going on. Chinks in the armor.

- Max