Is Driving Really That Hard?

Parking space, house. What’s the fucking difference?

Xavier MacTavish makes his Inebriated Discourse debut by decrying the amount of shitty drivers on the road.

Have you ever been driving around, either aimlessly or perhaps with a specific objective in mind, and you're suddenly overwhelmed with the need to fulfill a Grand Theft Auto-esque fantasy? I’m not talking about loading up on automatic weapons, killing a few hookers and shooting down helicopters with an RPG. It’s that all-too-familiar desire to plow full speed into the jackass in front of you and eliminate their dumb-fuck driving from the streets for the benefit of mankind. I know I’m not the only one. It happens so often that I cannot possibly be alone here. We have a widespread problem on our hands and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it short of cursing a blue streak at our windshield and pounding our fists on the steering wheel.

Unfortunately, we decent and attentive drivers are not the only casualties of this predicament. There are millions of indirect victims that have been shouldering the blame of poor driving for years. These victims are our “new” drivers and “old” drivers. Namely, teenagers and seniors. Here in Massachusetts, there has been a substantial campaign to establish forms of testing for our elders behind the wheel in order to reduce the number of Bonnevilles plowing through store fronts and school crosswalks. Any time some shithead in high school gets caught racing or totaling the family van, articles cloud the papers pushing our need to raise the minimum age for licensing. Considering I fit into neither of these age groups, I could give two shits if they do either. What perturbs me though, is the overwhelming amount of god-awful driving that still exist in the all-important age 18-65 demographic. Male and female alike. I’m no chauvinist, ladies.

Look people, this is 2010. It’s safe to say these days that every vehicle is equipped with both a left and right turn signal. We use these to alert other drivers of our upcoming intentions on the road. So when you suddenly slam on the brakes in the middle of a main road with someone only a few car-lengths behind, don’t look so pissed when you hear a long draw on the horn and catch a middle finger in your rear-view. Yes, that’s me pointing at your face in the mirror, telling you you’re a fucking douchebag.

Parking lots have become just as bad. Notice the multiple parallel and perpendicular lines on the concrete? These are predetermined spaces for people to neatly arrange cars, preventing chaos and paint-loss. Just because you drive an X5 or a fucking Escalade doesn’t give you the right to take up two spaces to widen the space between your car and others (especially when you have a primo spot near the damn entrance!). It takes entirely too much effort to refrain from carving obscenities in their hood with a Swiss army knife.

Trust me, I’m going somewhere with this.

I’m suggesting we stop looking at opposite ends of the spectrum in this debate, and take it all in. To do that, three truths need to be realized:

1. Driving a quarter mile, pulling over, doing a 3-point turn and coming to a complete stop are not enough criteria to determine attaining a license, especially at age 16.

2. It is common fucking knowledge that as people age, their eyesight and reflexes diminish. To not evaluate their competence because they whine about their freedom is retarded. We’ve been forcing people to give up their freedom for worse reasons than that for years. (Been to an airport lately?)

3. There are some dumb goddamn people in this country.

We are left with only one option. That is yearly or bi-yearly testing. For everyone. No more of these three-minute driving tests that require no talent or decision-making either. An evaluator should spend considerable time with the driver while they perform the daily routine, seeing reactions and normal driving habits (like loud music, texting, and make-up application). If you fail, you lose your license for two weeks and are forced to pay for a retest. A second fail? Two more weeks and heftier fee. Strike three? A month of expensive and extensive Driver’s Ed. We can go on all day.

I don’t know this just makes sense to me. Think about the jobs we’d be creating and money that would roll in. Not to mention how many stupid pricks we could take off the road! You might get to work a little sooner, maybe spend the day in a better mood. Otherwise we may be forced to continue losing patience with friends and family because some officious prick cuts you off with nobody behind you.

- Xavier