Hot, Smart, and Unclouded. Maureen Dowd: The Anti-Tom Friedman

Whatever Maureen Dowd is offering, I’ll take it.

This is an actual email I sent earlier this year to New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd. At the time, her fellow columnist Nicholas Kristof was holding another “Win a trip to Africa with Nicholas Kristof” essay contest—the winner of which got to travel with Kristof to soak up an entire continent’s worth of crippling depression. So in light of this, I suggested that she too hold a contest for her readers. Incredibly, she did not respond. Her loss. If only I had attached a photo of myself, the story would certainly have been different. Anyway, without further ado:

Dear Ms Dowd:

As exciting as a third “Win a trip to Africa with Nicholas Kristof” essay contest sounds, I think it’s time your paper held a different contest with a different columnist. That is why I am proposing the “Win a date with Maureen Dowd” essay contest. Now, as a feminist your first inclination will be to get offended by this proposal, especially with it coming from a complete stranger; but it could easily be changed to the “Win a free lunch with Maureen Dowd” contest, so as to avoid any date-like overtones. I imagine your second inclination will be to conceive of me as some kind of shameless, creepy, middle-aged, chauvinistic whacko of the first order. Not true. Only on the count of shamelessness am I guilty, albeit in the first degree.

The rules for this contest would be simple. In five hundred words or less, entrants are to write why they should be selected by answering two questions:

1. Why do you want to have lunch with Maureen?
2. Why would Maureen want to have lunch with you?

Naturally, the entrants’ responses to these questions should be based not just on content, but style as well. Style is important, especially in writing. As you surely know, a person’s writing gives us a glimpse as to how his or her brain works (if it works at all). The essay should be virtually perfect grammatically (unless poetic license is being used), and any metaphors and their associated images must be logically consistent with one another. (This proviso, I’m afraid, will automatically eliminate your colleague Tom Friedman from contention.)

And no, this is not a joke. This is a legitimate proposal. I think it would be great if all Times columnists had contests like this, especially ones that appealed to younger Times readers, such as the yet-to-be-devised “Win an abstinence chat with David Brooks” contest.

I require no response to this email unless you plan on giving the idea some consideration. In which case, I would like advanced notice so that I may commence drafting my 500 word entry on why I ought to win the damn thing, since after all, it’s my brainchild to begin with.

On the other hand, if the is the most ludicrous communiqué you’ve ever received, well, sorry about that. Chalk it up to misguided fandom. At least you’ll always have something in your inbox you can chuckle at—that is, if you don’t delete it in disgust.

Regards,

Max Canning