New Creation Story Deemed As Plausible As The Next

Virtually every culture has adopted its own creation myth ever since human consciousness evolved the faculty of language. Remarkably, many of these myths continue to be taken literally by a vast herd of sheep that have been blessed with the absence of a critical-thinking instinct. Any person who chooses to believe one elaborate creation fairytale over another is surely one who holds contempt for logic. God created the earth in seven days (Judeo-Christian); a celestial cat got shitfaced just enough to help it create human beings by breathing life into clay figures (some African culture); the dark overlord Xenu came down to earth, dumped a bunch of demonic aliens in all the volcanoes and attempted to destroy them via nuclear weapons (Scientology). Each myth is just as plausible or implausible (unverifiable) as the next. Some years ago, while contemplating the absurdity of having faith in such creation myths, I decided to produce my own original theory about how life as we know it came to be. Keep in mind that my story is just as credible as any other. Enjoy!

Life in the Cosmic Petri-Dish

Gallzak, a member of the most evolved intergalactic species in the universe (the Remulonics), began experiencing sudden, unprovoked ejaculations on a regular basis. He (the pronoun “he” is used hereafter for convenience despite the fact that Gallzak’s entire species is gender neutral and asexual) would randomly cream in his space shorts without the aid of any physical stimulation or even the slightest mental-image lubricant. His strange predicament managed to perplex everyone that he dared to confide in. In order to soothe his feelings of insecurity and shame, Gallzak soon decided to chase the tranquilizing high that could only be derived from playing what was known as the ‘God game.’

The Remulonics had been the first species of life to find a complete answer to the God question, a final solution that explained what had formerly been the mysteries of the cosmos. Their advanced intellect enabled them to easily conceptualize, and even to viscerally feel the highest mathematical formula that revealed creation in all its splendid wonders. Intelligent design and chaos (randomness) theories were seen as one in the same. There was never any need to debate or question the formula. Remulonics understood and honored the remarkable capacity to create inherent in most sentient beings. In fact, creating (playing the ‘God game’) was considered one of the highest arts within Remulonic society. Gallzak had often fantasized about producing magnificent artwork of his own and he began growing increasingly eager to get down to this business of creating.

Gallzak and his fellow Remulonics typically reproduced asexually through ejaculating onto a special candy bar, which served as an incubator for the new life-form. Remulonic semen (colloquially referred to as gooze) had amazing special properties, and, whenever discharged onto a surface other than the special candy bar, was capable of producing life all the same. This life, however, always consisted of brand new life forms that were all vastly different and typically much less evolved than the Remulonics. Gallzak’s intuition was telling him that the spontaneous orgasms recently plaguing his existence were producing gooze of a very special variety. He subsequently decided to do everything possible in order to capture his essence upon the next unexpected shudder of orgasmic delight.

Upon waking early the next morning, Gallzak quickly got dressed and went to the nearby science store to buy a sterile petri-dish. He held that little clear container all day, patiently waiting for the chance to collect his own specimen. Surprisingly, he went the whole day and evening without having his, now routine spontaneous orgasm. Discouraged, but still faithfully clutching the dish in hand, Gallzak climbed into bed and prepared to sleep. Fortunately, just after he put the blanket over his body, he began to feel the familiar waves of pleasure pulsating throughout his core; he knew a big sample was fixing to spew. He exploded with magnum force, but was still able to discharge most of the product into the petri-dish as intended. “Something special will come from that,” he said to himself quietly as he wiped the excess gooze from his chin.

The next day, Gallzak rounded up all of his friends to celebrate his splendid act of creation. He set up a microscope-type instrument with a projector, which enabled all of his guests to view the new life-forms in magnified, stunning high-definition. Since the Remulonics existed in a state of non-linear time, they were able to view, in one sitting, all that had occurred within thousands, or even millions of years of linear time as we know it. Gallzak and his audience watched in awe as life on earth evolved; from amoebas to dinosaurs all the way to human beings. Special snacks were being passed around as Gallzak’s friends kicked back and watched the entire history of mankind unfold for their viewing pleasure. It was like watching a blockbuster movie. Human life was the most entertaining drama that Remulonics had witnessed in some time. Gallzak’s intuition had not misled him. His uncontrollable ejaculations were indeed guided by a purpose (the creative principle).

Gallzak’s masterpiece brought him considerable notoriety within the community, and the dramatic feature film, “Humanity,” would long be hailed as a classic by Remulonics far and wide. A feature film, however, was all that was to remain of his magnificent creation. The spontaneous ejaculations never bothered Gallzak again after that fateful night when he jizzed the milky-way and humanity into existence.

~Wolf