The runner up for our Inebriated Discourse Creation Story Contest is this entry submitted by Jose Pacheco. Congrats, Jose. Consider your $50 award the first donation to the Church of PantherFalconX.
Be sure to check back tomorrow morning when we will have the winning story posted. This thing is a must read.
Before the first day, God said “Let there be me!” And it was so. Now that God existed, he was free to create the rest of the universe, which he did on the first day. And it was pretty good.
Somehow despite the fact that God was God, he had very low self esteem. In an attempt to fix this, God created Barny and Dirk to worship him. Unfortunately, all Barny and Dirk wanted to do was play with each others funny bits, so God said, “Stop that. It's disgusting... Why, I might even go so far as to say it's an abomination!”
Barny and Dirk pleaded with God saying, “Please allow us to continue! It feels really good. Why give us these parts if we're not supposed to play with them?” And God said, “I was in a rush, and I hadn't thought things through completely. Since this is kind of my bad, I'll think of something.” With that, God picked up Barny, turned his member inside-out, and returned him to Dirk.
And God said, “Barney, I chose thee because you must now change your name to something more suitable for someone with an inside-out member. “Dirk” is way too badass a name, so I couldn't pick him. Your new name is
Then PantherFalconX noticed that men behaved like assholes in the name of PantherFalconX, doing things like murdering non-slaves, raping other men instead of raping each others daughters, and mowing the lawn on Saturday. This made PantherFalconX angry. “Why are you doing these terrible things?” PantherFalconX asked Mosey, the leader of the men. “As punishment, I have removed all the dinosaurs, coolest of all the animals, from your domain.”
“But PantherFalconX”, Mosey replied, “How are we to know what displeases you If you have not told us? Could you perhaps give us a list of the top 10 or so thing we are not to do? And can we please have the dinosaurs, coolest of all the animals, back?”
“No!” PantherFalconX replied. “You were made in my image, and even though you all seem to look different, you should just know what displeases me! There's no way I'm giving you dinosaurs back, with the possible exception of those lame flying ones. And by the way, I'm pretty sure I mentioned to your ancestors Dirk and Barny that the man lying with man was an abomination.”
“No, you said it was disgusting, and only suggested that it might be an abomination. Besides, we thought that only applied to consensual man on man action, not man on man rape, which is what we're doing,” replied Mosey.
And PantherFalconX said, “Of course it applies there as well! Don't think that just because you made it through one and a half years of law school, you can outsmart me! If you lead a righteous life, your soul will come and reside in my home when you die. That's a pretty sweet deal, yet you mock me at every turn. Do you have any idea how nice Rocktastic Manor is? I've wall to wall carpeting and central air. I've even got a heated swimming pool in the back, for PantherFalconX's sake.”
“I'll tell you what. Because I am a merciful PantherFalconX, instead of just destroying the whole lot of you, I'll just turn those who displease me into pillars of salt, or some other condiment. Then you can figure out the rules that way. And just so this really sinks in, not only will you be turned into condiments for displeasing me, but your souls will be eternally banished to this new place of eternal torment I'm building called Bunnyville. That's just a working title, by the way.”
As the earth become covered in pillars of salt, chutney, and wasabi, Man slowly learned what displeased PantherFalconX. Things like gay sex, spilling seed after regular sex, women wearing coolots, men wearing capris while worshiping golden tree kangaroos. They even somehow learned that PantherFalconX wasn't happy with men who didn't mutilate their penises.
And it was then that almighty PantherFalconX realized his terrible mistake. The souls of interesting, free thinking men were being banished to Bunnyville (no longer a working title), while the souls of boring, self righteous sheep were overrunning Rocktastic Manor, pretending that they didn't just pee in his heated pool.
With that, PantherFalconX hit upon a solution. He would remove absolutely any evidence that he actually exists from the world, and the souls of anyone that was reasonable enough to come to the conclusion that PantherFalconX didn't exist would now be granted admittance to Rocktastic Manor, while the souls of believers would now be banished to eternal torment in Bunnyville. And it was good.
If you're somehow not yet convinced this is the one true creation story, I offer as evidence a list of prominent dead people who did not believe in the existence of PantherFalconX:
Albert Einstein
Gautama Buddha
Leonardo da Vinci
Saladin
Abraham Lincoln
Kermit the Frog
Blaise Pascal
Louis Pasteur
Jesus Christ
Jesus H. Christ
Suleiman the Magnificent
Dustin Diamond
Suleiman the Merely OK
Marco Polo
Dora the Explorer
Joseph Smith
Julius Caesar
Caesar Cardini
PantherFalconY
Xenu
Xena (Warrior Princess)
George Washington
Tony Danza
I'll finish with the thought first suggested by Blaise Pascal's less well known brother Clarence Pascal.
“Even though PantherFalconX may exist, a person should wager that PantherFalconX doesn't exist. In so doing, you have possible eternal admittance into Rocktastic Manor to gain, and you don't have to waste time going to church.”
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