Texas Secession? Yeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaw!

Remember back in 2003 when the Iraq war started and Faux News was decrying antiwar protestors as “un-American” and “treasonous” for exercising their first amendment rights? Well, this same network has been conspicuously silent in the face of a fledgling Texas secession movement, first given lip service in April by its scumsucking governor, Rick Perry. By now, Perry has undoubtedly realized that he made a grave mistake by dropping the “S” word because on Monday a couple hundred crazies turned out at the statehouse in Austin to demand that Texas secede while proclaiming outright their hatred of the United States. What, I ask you, could be more “un-American” than seceding from America?

Indeed, at the top of the list of the most treasonous things you could possibly do, secession is right up there with spying for the enemy during wartime. And yet, we’ve heard nothing from Faux News about the un-American and treasonous protests in Austin, or the 51% of Texas Republicans who are in favor of seceding from the Union. Not surprisingly, Glenn Batshit Beck is giving the secessionists the thumbs up because to hear him tell it, America is becoming a socialist totalitarian police state, complete with government-mandated eugenics and euthanasia, and whatever other fantasies he can come up with while off his meds.

I don’t really care about the double standard here; I just wanted to highlight the case as yet another exemplar of the “fair and balanced” news coverage over at Faux News. The reason I don’t care is because I want Texas to secede. Can you think of a better way to start improving the country immediately than by getting rid of a backward, obstructionist hellhole such as Texas? Rather than fight to keep Texas and the South, Lincoln should’ve said good luck and god bless.

Okay, okay, so Lincoln shouldn’t have done that. Slavery was an evil worth routing out, even though it meant that those of us in the land of literacy and dental hygiene would suffer the consequences. Incredibly, Texas and the rest of the South are still bitter about Appomattox and the freeing of the slaves, as evidenced by the ubiquitous Stars and Bars that pepper the territories of the NASCAR Republic.

Had Lincoln left the South to its own dubious devices, it would be interesting to see just how long it would’ve taken the Confederates to abolish slavery, if at all. In fact, I think a few million dollars ought to be put aside for a research project to this end: Had the Confederacy prevailed, at what point (if any) would it have outlawed the practice of slavery? We could get the nation’s finest historians, sociologists, and political scientists from all parts of the country together to come up with an approximate answer to this hypothetical, but nonetheless important question. I think if people knew that the Confederacy would have freed the slaves in 1987, it might kind of damage the South’s credibility a bit in Congress, you know?

If Texas wants to be its own country again, then by all means we should let them. The secessionists probably think the rest of us are horrified at the prospect of a Texas-less America. Texas wants to secede! Oh no!

Pshaw. Those divorce papers couldn’t be signed fast enough.

Actually, forget the divorce papers. We can save ourselves a whole lot of time just by handing Texas a letter of termination—a letter I’m going to draft myself.

Be sure to check back on Wednesday when I plan on having a pink slip ready for what we can only hope will be the Lone Star State.

- Max