(No case in contemporary foreign diplomacy better highlights men’s insecurities about their manhood than that of North Korea’s petit leader, Kim Jong-il. Though he is of very small stature and his country is a marginal player in international politics, Kim—who wears platform shoes to appear taller— talks tough, but I say he doesn’t have the cajones to back up his words.)
As a close follower of politics I can appreciate the late comedian George Carlin’s take on international relations. Carlin formulated what he called the Bigger Dick Foreign Policy Theory, which states that men—especially world leaders—are insecure about their manhood, so they often go to war over it. He summed it up this way: “What? They have bigger dicks? Bomb them!” Case in point: the Gulf War. Saddam Hussein questioned the size of George H.W. Bush’s manhood by invading Kuwait, an American ally. This transgression was met with overwhelming military force, ostensibly demonstrating that in fact, Bush was bigger—and perhaps hairier—than Saddam.
Today’s ideal Bigger Dick theory case study is five-foot three inch tall North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il—a.k.a. Lil’ Kim—who desperately wants to assert his own nonexistent well-endowedness by threatening all kinds of crazy shit to anyone who so much as looks at him the wrong way. His outhouse of a country is a Stalinist police state with a cult of personality centered on him and his dead father who is still president of the country. You read that correctly. In 1998, Kim Il-Sung was posthumously named “Eternal President” of North Korea, which is why his midget son does not use the title “President” as his father did when he was alive and running this toilet.
Recently, as you may have heard, a nuclear bomb test was conducted by Lil’ Kim and the North Koreans. (Didn’t they win Making the Band one year?) This is serious business. Having nuclear weapons is the international relations equivalent of having a ten-inch penis. It can be a real conversation ender. Know what I mean? Like, when all the countries are at a party pounding Miller High Life and taking hits of opium that Thailand was nice enough to bring, things can get rowdy. Next thing you know, Brazil starts bragging about its penis size, and then Spain and Australia both take exception by asserting their own bigness when all of a sudden, wham! Pakistan unzips and pulls out a foot-long nuclear dick and ends the discussion right there.
Unfortunately for Kim, he has a relatively small arsenal of nuclear weapons compared to the countries that matter. The test he conducted this week naturally prompted an international outcry, along with a promise from the U.S. that it will inspect ships bound for North Korea to look for materials that could be used to make weapons of mass destruction. Kim responded in his usual batshit-crazy way by saying that ship inspections and other sanctions would mean war. He even went so far as to threaten a “powerful military strike” in retaliation, presumably against South Korea. The North is still bitter over America’s successful military defense of the South in the Korean War, when the U.S. went Lorena Bobbitt on the North and totally emasculated it. But by now the North’s dick has been sewed back on, and Kim has gotten the country some Enzyte (nukes) to boot. That’s why he’s acting so brazen and announcing that he’ll retaliate militarily even if just sanctions are levied against the North—an act tantamount to a declaration of war, according to Kim. But he should know that when the U.S. declares war on a country, it doesn’t go half-assed. It doesn’t declare war via sanctions. No, the United States either goes to war by dropping lots and lots of bombs now and asking questions later, or it doesn’t go to war at all. When the Americans declare war on you, you will know it.
The truth in all of this is that the Dear Leader’s threats are nothing but empty rhetoric. You see, his problem is that the U.S. military is light-years better that his large but still chicken-shit army of goose-stepping tenderfoots. Furthermore, Kim understands that if he ever attacked South Korea, the American military response would be one thousand times greater than his paintball foray across the Demilitarized Zone. Now, this is the part where some national security “experts” say that a U.S. strike would be problematic because the North’s nukes give it a deterrent capability. Fuck that. The dictator realizes that if he ever detonated a nuke on foreign soil, North Korea would cease to exist as a state because the U.S. would simply not tolerate it. Within minutes of a North Korean nuclear strike, Pyongyang would be blasted into the thermosphere. The thing this, Kim knows this, and he knows that the U.S. knows that he knows this. Therefore, he also knows he can’t use his nukes unless he wants to bring upon death and destruction to himself and his country, which he doesn’t. He loves himself too much and also the phony adoration that gets heaped upon him on a daily basis. Besides, when you’ve pretty much perfected the art of counterfeiting U.S. money as Kim has, why throw it all away over a few boatloads of centrifuges and drums of yellowcake uranium?
Basically, Lil’ Kim is hoping to god that by acting like an unstable and militant fucktard and telling everyone how big his penis is, other countries won’t ask him to pull his pants down so they can verify the extent of his manliness. If they do ask to see Jong’s dong, he will either have to show it, or do nothing and remain zipped, thereby demonstrating that he was bluffing all along. If the U.S. and friends do call Kim out, he won’t dare show his manhood because it is a small, frightened, shriveled, turtle-head of a wee-wee packing no punch whatsoever.
-Max
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