On Marriage and Children

Perhaps the most dearly held dogma about life in America is the idea that one ought to marry, have children, and live happily ever after.

Most versions of the otherwise vacuous “American Dream” feature these ingredients. The American man who goes a lifetime and departs this earth without marrying and without procreating is considered abnormal by his fellow citizens. Often, his acquaintances pity him for not having experienced the marvels of marriage or the pleasures of parenthood. And his death only heightens this sense of tragedy. For the departed single childless female, the lamentations of those who knew her are amplified further because of the universal understanding that all women desire marriage and a brood. Those women who do not—especially those who have the temerity to say so—are considered deviant and perhaps stand accused of lesbianism.

The act of marriage is widely regarded as a sacred union of man and woman (or man and man or woman and woman)—a promulgation of love and devotion by the parties involved. But marriage is also something else. It is an implicit affirmation of complacency. To marry is to say that one can do no better, or that perhaps one can, but it would not be worth it to find out. Hence, every marriage involves “settling” for someone—someone who by the sheer laws of probability is not the most compatible spouse. Marriage would be a more admirable thing if married people could recognize this reality. But instead there is a great deal of denial involved. Everyone has heard a friend or a relative announce that his or her significant other is in fact The One, as if, out of the three billion men or three billion women on this planet, this hopeless romantic has found the one person meant for him or her. That of course, is a false assumption. No one is meant for anyone because everyone’s existence is cosmologically meaningless. Humans create meaning. Thus, to say that so-and-so was meant for so-and-so, is to engage in an ex post facto rationalization.

Regarding children, no child has ever been conceived out of anything other than selfish motives. Children are conceived either by accident or by intention. In the case of the former, the parents’ selfishness is manifest because the desire for sexual gratification on their part outweighed the consequences of not employing an effective method of birth control. When children are planned, the origins are also selfish. When two people decide to conceive a child, it is because of what they want. Even single people—particularly single women—can often be heard saying, “I want a child” for whatever reason. Because this is considered a normal aspiration, those do not share this sentiment are frequently the focus of a suspicious curiosity. Any person who has ever announced in the presence of company that he or she wishes to have no children often receives the same response: “Why don’t you want children?” Of course, there is no reason that having children should be considered the default position. Indeed, I can think of far more good reasons against procreating than I can in favor of it. If anything, the burden of proof ought to lie with those who want kids.

Ladies and gentlemen, what separates us from common animals is the ability to engage in sex without having to worry about the inconvenient prospect of children. And yet, millions of us every year forgo the fruits of contraception science to produce yet another crop of mostly mediocre children. Sigh.

- Max